Mz Manners

Nate's Friends Suck!

2006-02-24T19:55:00.000-05:00

Mz Manners:

I need your advice! I have an ex-girlfriend who never returns my phone calls. I tried calling her this weekend, but did she call me back? Hell no!

She does have a crazy friend who I think is a bad influence on her. Perhaps they are plotting to betray our friendship? So here's the question: Should I cut this person off for not returning my calls? Or maybe I could express my displeasure, like by taking a dump on her kitchen table? (I still have her keys!)

Thanks, Mz Manners, you are so much cooler than any of my so-called friends.

Best,
Nate Vagina

P.S. I have attached a picture of myself so you can see what I look like.

Dear Nate,

Thanks for the compliment! Though I’m not sure how much of a compliment it is considering your friends seem like losers.

I am so sorry to hear that your friend, I mean ex-girlfriend, didn’t call you back. Maybe she feels that, since you are no longer her boyfriend, she doesn't have to call you back immediately anymore . . . especially if you were the kind of boyfriend who pooped on her kitchen table (or anywhere else in her apartment). And as far as hanging out with her crazy friend, well I’m sure she is just making up for lost time. Valuable time that you took away from them. It is very possible that they are plotting the demise of your friendship, so I say you better get over there quick if you want to poop on her table before she gets home!

Good luck!

Love,
Mz Manners

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

2006-02-22T08:13:00.000-05:00

No. 8. Confusing Policies Stem from a Low Self Esteem

Take, for example, the United Arab Emirates taking over ports. The Bush Administration assurances that "the government has looked into the situation" is less than reassuring. As is his statement that he will veto any legislation that attempts to block this takeover.

Let's see how does this go? The 911 attacks were carried out by people based in the United Arab Emirates (not necessarily citizens of that county). So we attack Iraq. As an explanation, some language about retribution from the 911 attacks was flurrying around until the administration landed on the better excuse (false) nookular capabilities of Saddam.

Fast forward a few years....still warring in Iraq and now we are WHAT? Oh yes. The US Ports are going to be run by a company from the United Arab Emirates (which just bought the British company that was already running the ports).

And by the way, why did we give up our civil liberites in the name of homeland security, when foreign countries are running our ports?

But hey, don't worry. The Bush administration is looking out (and listening in) for the citizens of the US.

South Slope or Sunset Park?

2006-02-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

I am outraged by rude and insensitive real estate agents and brokers re-naming neighborhoods in Brooklyn to lure folks into the borough. If potential Brooklyn dwellers don't like the name of their new neighborhood, they can move to Queens!

How does this happen? I didn’t vote to change the name of my neighborhood to Greenwood Heights, South Slope. I live in Sunset Park.

This is not only an etiquette question but a question of democracy!

Makes Me Want to Hollah!

Dear Makes Me Want to Hollah:

Don’t worry, I’m sure Queens is next. We're about to start seeing listings for places in East Long Island City any day now. But you are correct, the changing of names of neighborhoods in Brooklyn is a travesty. All I can say is, thank God this isn’t happening as much in Manhattan (where the cool people live).

I would suggested contacting the elected officials that represent your neighborhood to see if they did, in fact, vote for the name change. If they did, find out who voted "yay," write them a nasty letter and never vote for them again! You should also get some sort of rally going. Gather together your fellow neighbors who are as outraged as you are and start picketing your local politicians’ offices. Or real estate offices, whoever is responsible for this ridiculousness. That’ll show ‘em!

Make sure to keep us updated as to your progress!

Love,
Mz Manners

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

2006-01-29T20:16:00.000-05:00

No. 9: IT IS IN POOR TASTE TO BELIEVE THAT COLLEGE ROOMATES ARE COMPETENT LEADERS:

Who can tell? I mean that person that holds your hand as your puke your guts out after a four day pub crawl, and then tucks you into bed is someone you can trust, obviously.

But are they fit to run FEMA? That's really not proper.

Especially because their skills are in breeding - while good breeding is important - believing that similar skills are required for breeding Arabian horses and ensuring the citizenry isn't wiped out when the levee breaks demonstrates a considerable lack of judgment.

Hipsters

2006-01-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz Manners,

My friend and his wife are stuck out in the far, far outreaches of a major metropolitan city. I worry that when they return, they won't be hip anymore.

What can I do?

Worried about Balding "Herry" in Chicago

Dear Worried,

I am sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, but your friends stopped being hip the day they decided to move to the far, far outreaches of a metropolitan area. It is very nice of you to worry about when they move back to the city, but chances are this will never happen. I know it is sad to watch as your friends become unhip (and apparently bald) but all you can do now is hope that you don’t one day suffer the same fate. Don’t let your friends drag you down with them!

Thanks for visiting the blog. Let us know if I can help you with anything else!

Your friend,

Mz Manners

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

2006-01-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

No. 10: SPYING ON CITIZENS IS BOTH RUDE AND INAPPROPRIATE
(Not to mention against our civil liberties).

Proper etiquette dictates (as does policy) that the NSA is to spy on foreigners, not red-blooded Americans. Proper etiquette dictates that you should always obtain permission. Bush didn't ask the appropriate people before telling the NSA to spy (you know, like Congress or the judiciary), but he did speak to the executives of the New York Times to convince them not to publish the story they uncovered about a year ago.

Lucky for us the Times published their story or else we would miss yet another reason to be indignant and to heat our simmering distrust of the national leadership.

To be continued.....

THERAPY IS RIDICULOUS

2006-01-17T14:04:00.000-05:00

Is she looking at my boobs??

I don’t know what’s worse, being an outpatient forced to go to therapy three times a week or being in a hospital bed with you’re hands tied down so you won’t hurt yourself. At least when you’re in the hospital the drugs are stronger and way more frequent. My new therapist won’t give me ANY drugs! I mean, what’s the point of a therapy session if you don’t walk out with a prescription in your hand. My new therapist (who I think is hitting on me – totally inappropriate and un-etiquette-like) wants me to simply talk. Talk??? I’m not giving her any information that she can use against me later. What is she crazy? I feel like I’m the one administering the therapy to her. That actually makes sense since I know everything about everyone, including myself. I don’t know what she’s trying to sell me, but I’m not buying!

Oh, yeah, anyone out there have any questions? I’m back and ready to help more people with my intense wisdom of all things in the universe. Email me!

Love,

Mz. Manners

Mz Manners Returns from Forced Vacation

2006-01-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

Thank you very much for your love and well wishes during my much needed week of relaxation and rejuvneation.

My doctor said I could go home now with my new medications and an intensive therapy schedule three times a week.

Glad to be back!

The New York Post Finally Prints the Truth!

2006-01-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

The brilliant Editor who opined this has my undying gratitude.

January 5, 2006 -- Gov. Pataki yesterday delivered his 12th and final State of the State message to a jointly convened session of the state Legislature. Highlights follow:

"Blah, blah, blah . . . government that works . . . blah, blah, blah . . . empower the people . . . blah, blah, blah and blah, blah . . . unshakable resolve . . . blah, blah, blah . . . totality of our achievements . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Blah, blah, blah . . . dare to transcend . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Let's aim high . . . blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah . . . our work is never done . . . blah, blah, blah [and additional] blah.
"Blah, blah . . . excel in the emerging global economy . . . blah, blah, blah . . . most significant challenges . . . blah, blah [and more] blah.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah . . . take the next step . . . blah, blah, blah . . . let's help families . . . blah, blah, blah . . . and let's go even further . . . blah, blah, blah.
"But that is only the beginning . . . blah, blah, blah . . . emerging age of technological innovation . . . blah, blah, blah, and blah . . . let's make New York the place . . . blah, blah, blah [and even more] blah.

"The time to prepare for the future . . . blah, blah, blah . . . is now . . . blah, blah, blah . . . when New York leads, others follow . . . blah, blah, blah . . . a worthy and worthwhile challenge . . . blah, blah, blah . . . let's rise to . . . blah, blah, blah . . . fulfill our promise to the people of this great state . . . blah, blah, blah.
" . . . We dared to transcend the challenges before us . . . blah, blah, blah . . . Let's dare to dream of all our great state can be . . . blah, blah, blah . . . Let's fulfill New York's limitless promise . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Blah, blah, blah.
"Thank you."

Original editorial can be seen here.

Space Invaders

2006-01-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

Mz Manners:

I fucking HATE people who read the New York Times over my shoulder in the crowded subway!

It is hard enough to fold that huge paper perfectly along the columns, and crease it just so, without some morning-coffee-cigarette-breathed-snot-slurper commenting and pointing at my paper. In instances like this, is it inappropriate to scream, “I don’t want to talk to you, dumbass, I’m trying to have some quiet time in my 2 inches of personal space I’m carving out! Here’s a fucking buck fifty, buy your own paper, bitch!” ?

I read your blog every day, and I am looking for a couple to date.

Love and Kisses,

Media Whore

Dear Media Whore,

First of all, take a breath. Do it with me now, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. All better now?

I imagine the reason you are so angry is because the bad vibes you are expelling out toward everyone are bouncing around the subway car and then landing right back from whence they came, thereby doubling your anger.

I suggest you take the Mz Manners motto to heart: What the world needs now is love sweet love. Say it over and over to yourself next time someone is looking over your shoulder trying to find out what atrocities the Bush administration has committed that day. I think it will help.

To answer your question, if you’re going to live in New York City, you are going to have to deal with people invading your space. Though it is in extremely poor taste to read over someone's shoulder on the subway, I would suggest taking a different approach. Next time you are faced with an over-the-shoulder-paper-reading-offender, move your reading material closer so that said offender can read it more easily. You can even offer him/her a section of the paper. You never know, you might meet that couple you’ve wanted to date right there on the subway. Try it! (And let me know if it works.)

Glad you love the blog. Hopefully some of the good vibes will rub off on you!

Your Friend,

Mz Manners

Girlfriends: Three is Not Necessarily A Crowd

2006-01-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

I recently went out with a bunch of friends and developed a crush on
this guy. I think he might actually be the one! I tried to flirt
with him to let him know of my interest, but it was really hard with
his girlfriend sitting next to him. (How rude of her to be dating my
future husband!) What is the proper etiquette to handle the
situation AND get the guy.

Thank you, Mz Manners, you are an inspiration to us all!

Almost Married

Dear Almost Married-
(And you are too...if you want a husband and a wife!)

There are several different angles on this situation.

SCENE 1: Flirting with a guy is no problem. Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend, also no problem IF you are willing to fuck both of them. I've read about couples who bring in a third to make their lives complete. From the practical - more people to share the cable bill - to the hedonistic - 2 heads are better than 1 - folks are finding the traditional life style of one man, one woman or even one woman and one women (or man) just too damn stifling.

Who can be jealous if everyone can play?

SCENE 2: Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend could get your ass shot, stabbed or at least beat up in the bath room. Damn! Whatcha thinking? A good man is hard to find and women may go to great lengths to protect their own.

SCENE 3: Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend could be your misunderstanding...she's his first cousin! That's why they are sitting so close, but they aren't attracted to each other. (yeah right).

SCENE 4: If the guy shows interest, slip him your number. If he gives you the "I'll call you" signal behind his girlfriend's back - scream to the girlfriend - YOUR MAN IS A DOG! A LYING ASS CHEATER! Then you can both beat his ass, and then go off on your own happy ways (separate or together).

I hope these scenarios helped. I recommend scene 1, but you just can't control love.

Love,
Mz Manners

A Happy Surprise

2006-01-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz. Manners,

Recently, I was snooping through my boyfriend’s computer to find out what he’s got on there and received quite a surprise. He had a whole porn folder! And some of it was quite kinky. Not only did he have movies about two girls and a guy having sex, but also ones with two guys and girl! It totally freaked me out and now I am now worried that he’s gay. Do you think I should break up with him?

Best,
Snoopy

Dear Snoopy,

This is the problem people tend to face when they insist on violating their loved ones privacy. But that is a topic for another time. You should be THRILLED about the porn folder on your boyfriend’s computer. Now you know exactly what turns him on. It is great news that he is into doing it with two men. What a windfall for you! I say jump in as soon as possible.

This new found information will now make it easier for you to show him all the inappropriate dirty things you’d like him to do to you. Next Friday night tell your boyfriend that you'd like to have a quite night at home. Then take a gander at your local XXX video store. Pick out whatever gives you a tingle in your jingle and RUN to you date. Believe me, it will make your boyfriend fall in love with you all over again!

Happy Friday night!

Love,

Mz Manners

Does Size Matter? (When You're Talking About A Clitoris?)

2006-01-01T14:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz Manners:

I recently applied for disability insurance but was denied coverage. I have a very small clitoris and I am constantly being discriminated against, making it difficult for me to work. Don’t you think the government should compensate me for my disability?

Thanks for the advice.

Little and Belittled

P.S. Do you think if I put up signs in my neighborhood for a small clitoris support group that people would come?

Dear Little and Belittled,

The government should definitely compensate you for your disability. Clitoris Little Itsy Tiny Syndrome (C.L.I.T.S.) is a condition that affects both men and women in a very serious way. Not only does the man have to spend much more time down that trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but also more often than not, he fails at his quest. This leaves his loved one in a very sweaty and unhappy position (in more ways than one). Lesbians have an easier time dealing the C.L.I.T.S. for obvious reasons. I think you should contest your workers comp and do whatever it takes to get your just due! If that means an “in person meeting” to show just how effected you are by C.L.I.T.S. then so be it.

You should definitely poster your entire neighborhood with C.L.I.T.S. support group signs. You will be surprised and comforted by how many people show up to your meeting. And you will also be shining light on a syndrome that, until now, has not been taken very seriously for some reason.

In the meantime, I suggest buying a toy that might help relieve you of your pain. Check out this toy from Toys in Babeland .

You and your partner will have two tools with which to find your little itsy tiny clitoris!

Good Luck!

Love,

Mz Manners

Love On The Run . . .

2005-12-31T15:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz Manners:

Yesterday a guy smashed into me on the subway, I dropped my bags, and my new pink dildo fell onto the platform.

Luckily it was in the package.) He couldn’t hear my well phrased, albeit shrieked, insults because he was wearing an iPod.
Are iPod wearers exempt from saying excuse me and pardon me just because they are in their own worlds? Don’t you think that iPods are decreasing the quality of life in New York City?

iPissed

Dear iPissed,

Boy do I feel your pain! All I can say is, you are very lucky that your new pink dildo was in the package. Believe me, it is no fun when you have to chase your sex toy down the subway platform because the fall turned the damn thing on.

(imagine this little number on the run)

The answer is, no, IPod wearers are not allowed to bump into people and then pretend that it never happened. Proper etiquette would have been for him to do the following, in this order:

1. remove his earphone
2. apologize
3. pick up your new pink dildo
4. realize what it is
5. ask you out to dinner
6. get you drunk
7. play with you new pink dildo (with you)
8. become your new boyfriend.
Obviously your IPod wearer was WAY off. Good luck next time!

Love,

Mz Manners

Office Gifts Suck!

2005-12-31T12:49:00.000-05:00

This holiday season I bought a little gift for everyone in my office (10 people). I got some gifts too and I immediately thanked my co-workers for thinking of me. But no one thanked me for my gift. What does that mean? Should I ask them why?

Sincerely,
Holly Dazednconfused

Dear Holly,
Office gift giving is rather tricky. But I bet they just didn't like your gifts. I mean did you get them a paper clip holder or something? Next holiday season I recommend the following for your co-workers:
1. A flask for their favorite break time beverage
2. An inflatable chair for their naps
3. A bullet proof vest to protect them from the backstabbers
4. A riding crop (or paddle) to use on those who confuse staff meetings with nap time
5. A red rubber ball bondage gag for those who refuse to shut up during staff meetings

This year is over so just file your experience under lessons learned. Although, if you do have a paddle or riding crop available you can just use it on the thankless fucks who were so rude to you this year!

Happy New Year!

Love,
Mz Manners

Life on Mars is Just Fine

2005-12-30T07:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz Manners,

I am a Venus chick, but after reading your post, I really want to change. I need your help!

Make me Mars

Dear Mars:

Congratulations. Saying you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Here are a few pointers that will get you on your way....

1. Undermine male authority and egos whenever possible. (especially at work - you're probably bumping your head against that glass ceiling anyway.)

2. While in mixed company make references to female body parts - but with the proper name, no cute pussy, or la-la references. For example, "Wow, my vagina is really sweaty!"

3. During a first date, refer to as many one night stands as possible. Then he'll know that you are ready for action. And you ARE. Fucking is your new number one priorty.

4. Once you get the guy back to your apartment, ask him for oral sex. Hours later after you came about 5 times - kick his ass out. Early the bed, early to rise!

5. Don't call him. EVER. Even if he calls you every day for a month.

A few months of this and you will be Oh So Mars. Keep me posted on your progress.

Love,
Mz Manners

Ask Mz Manners

2005-12-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

Mz Manners is ready for your questions.

Please email: Ask Me Anything!

Ask questions regarding YOUR dating life, or any other topic.
(no need to ask questions about Mz Manners' dating life, as it is being posting almost every day, just be patient.)

Mz Manners looks forward to receiving any all inquiries - go on - Test ME!

Love,
Mz Manners

Never Date A College Kid *

2005-12-28T07:56:00.000-05:00

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

1. Quantity doesn't equal quality

2. Your Vagina still confuses him (it was okay when you were in college, because you were equally confused)

3. They tell their friends everything just like college girls!

4. You will never have to enter a student dorm, swaying drunk, to scrawl an approximation of your signature, and surrender your driver's license to a sneering guard, only to pass out in the dorm room and wake up too late to go to work.

* This does not apply if you are a college kid, or a high school student at least 17 years of age (in NY.)

Bad Holiday Etiquette

2005-12-25T11:09:00.000-05:00

These are never cute or funny.* In fact, if you own one of these, you have the worst holiday etiquette EVER! I don't know what Hallmark is thinking.

*They are quite effective, however, for waking up family members who are sleeping in on Christmas morning thereby holding up the present opening festivities.

Denver Broncos Clinch Division Title

2005-12-24T18:54:00.000-05:00

For the first time since 1998!

Merry Christmas to the San Diego Chargers for losing to Kansas City.
Happy Holidays to the Oakland Raiders who are losing pretty bad to Denver at the top of the 4th quarter.
Feliz Navidad to the Denver Broncos - Take us all they way to the big bowl!

Woohoo!

This isn't a joke, but rather pure, rabid football fan time!

Never Date a Comedian

2005-12-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

1. They are not funny (unless they are working).
2. They are always working.
3. The above doesn't apply if you are a venus chick* -then you can date whoever you want. Comedians love you (as does everyone) .

*Def. VENUS CHICK, noun. A phrase coined from the bestselling book, Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. You know you are a venus chick, if you read the entire book and didn't recoil in horror, laugh hysterically, and then recoil in horror again.

Rant Time Because I Can't Control Myself:
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of sitting with the WafVMafM tome, take special note of this etiquette no-no.

Never Open the Car Door For a Man (you know, the reach over)

Men may find the behavior too TAKE CHARGE and CONTROLLING.

Fucked, right?

While some SUVs make the move difficult, and automatic locks render the effort obsolete, nothing the fuck is wrong with opening up the car door if you can reach.

Never Date a Writer

2005-12-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

They will stain your 600 count Egyptian cotton sheets with round explosions of blue and black ink.

They will sequester themselves away in your room for hours, while ignoring you, only to emerge hours later deftly deflecting your questions about the progress of the novel with, "AND NO! IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU!"

Although it TOTALLY is.....

P.S. Five years later, after he's been your ex for about five years, you'll be extremely pleased to find your name in the acknowledgment section. (This could also be a lesson in patience, and standing by your man, but who really wants that?)

Holiday Office Party Etiquette!

2005-12-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

We all know that this is the time of year when articles start popping up all over the place about how to prevent disaster at your office holiday party. I’ve never found these lists to be at all helpful or accurate. Therefore, I now present you with the official Mz Manners top five guidelines on the proper behavior for office parties.

1. EAT AND DRINK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. This is probably the only time of year that your boss is offering you free food an alcohol so really go for it. Grab everything you can. If there are hors d’oeuvres being passed around, grab two or three from one tray just in case the wait staff suddenly disappears. Whenever someone asked if you want a drink, the answer is yes. You work hard all year and this is your time to relax and cut lose on your boss’ dime.

2. BRING A LOT OF FRIENDS. It is important that your friends also partake in the free food and alcohol. Also, you don’t want to waste a good buzz hanging out with people from work. The more friends you invite, the more office parties you will be invited to. It would be rude to go to someone else’s office party and not return the favor.

3. DRESS INAPPROPRIATELY. This is a party, not a business meeting. Ladies, wear something short, tight and revealing. You will be the center of attention. If your outfit doesn’t make your boss uncomfortable, then you did not pick the right outfit. Gents, wear whatever you want as long as it doesn’t include a tie and jacket. No one wants to hang out with the dork who wore a suite to a party.

4. BRING A KARAOKE MACHINE. Everyone sounds good when they’re singing karaoke. It is impossible to embarrass yourself while singing, so don’t be shy. If you find out there will not be a Karaoke machine available at the party (which is ridiculous) it is definitely worth renting one. You should start the holiday festivities by singing one of your favorites and then introduce your boss. At this point she will probably politely decline to participate, but don’t take no for an answer. You control the mike so tell everyone that she prepared something special for everyone. Get everyone clapping and chanting until your boss has no choice but to get up there and sing something. You will be the office hero!

5. GOSSIP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. The office party is the time to really find out what the people you work with think of each other. Find out who’s mad at who and why, then pass along the information to everyone at the party. If you can’t find any legitimate gossip, just make stuff up. The best possible outcome is to have at least two people screaming at each other by the end of the party. It will take the attention away from how drunk you are.

Do Latinos Give the Best Head?

2005-12-20T00:17:00.000-05:00

Unlike the usual public opinion polls, we really want to know what you think.

I've heard the claims.*

I've also heard that Latinos are the most hardworking and dependable.**

My hypothesis? Latinos give the best head because they work so damn hard.

Es la verdad.

* Source: Latinos
** Ibid.

Tech Etiquette Run Amuck!

2005-12-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

I found the below article on tech etiquette simply fascinating.

First of all, Peter Shankman should be thankful that he got to see some free la la during his flight rather than worrying about a phantom five year who may have been aboard the aircraft. Clearly his priorities are not in proper order.

Secondly, if someone has privacy concerns about their solitaire strategy being stolen by the individual sitting next to them then they should put down their time-wasting-gadget and open a book.

Thirdly, do you think Dianne Daniels and Diane Danielson are the same person??? If they are two separate people, they both annoying. One of them is obviously paranoid while the other doesn’t seem to know the difference between watching television and sitting down. Deep recliners? Is that supposed to be some veiled reference to what I did to the guy next to me on the last VERY LONG flight I was on? Come on now, those of us who don’t have little gadgets to flash lights and noise at us when we’re bored are forced to be creative (and sometimes slutty).

Finally, if your dumb enough to be paying your bills while cramped on an airplane, you deserve to have your identity stolen. Someone else can probably make more of your life than you obviously have.

Planes, trains and laptops: Learning tech etiquette
As the holiday travel season begins, here is how to make your trip more pleasant for you and those around you.

BY JULIO OJEDA-ZAPATA

Pioneer Press

Peter Shankman was on a U.S. flight recently when the person beside him pulled out a DVD movie to watch on his laptop computer.
That's hardly unusual nowadays, except that "it wasn't the most … um … family-friendly movie," says Shankman, head of New York-based travel-service company AirTroductions. "I didn't care so much, but I could only wonder if he'd do the same thing if he was sitting next to a five-year-old."

Shankman isn't the first traveler to run into a glaring breach of "tech etiquette" — when portable technology is used in a manner that is potentially bothersome or offensive.

"So many people are using notebooks outside of the office" lately, Strauss said, and privacy isn't their sole concern. "A lot of (them) are doing shopping and banking, so there's the potential for identity theft," as well.

Dianne Daniels could have used such a PC filter on a flight to Charlotte, N.C., as she went over notes for a business presentation. She noticed at one point that a man beside her was reading right off her laptop screen.

"How did I know this?" says Daniels, head of a Connecticut business-consulting firm. "I could see his lips moving. At one point, he screwed up his courage and asked me what I did for a living. I closed my notes and took out a novel."

On another day, Daniels spotted a man "taking copious notes while I was reading through my e-mails" in a Florida hotel's reception area. "When I closed my laptop, got up from my chair and walked in his direction, he quickly closed his notebook and walked away. It could have been a coincidence, but I don't think so."

Diane Danielson of Massachusetts says she will never "work on anything proprietary or private on an airplane — You never know who might be sitting next to you, and there is no possible way to expect privacy."

In fact, she says, a lack of privacy can work to her advantage.

"I've met many people who are interested in what I was working on and built business relationships based on their curiosity, either about my work or my technology," says Danielson, who runs a businesswoman-networking group based near Boston.

Danielson finds "electronic games, etc., on planes less invasive of your personal space than those individuals who put their seat backs as far back as they go! I picked a new laptop with a shorter screen for airplane rides, just to deal with the 'deep recliners.' "

To read full article click here

Ladies! Don't Trap Men by Getting Pregnant

2005-12-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

Men will never trust us if we continue to prove ourselves untrustworthy.
Don't be selfish! You have to think of all the women out there trying find a man! Your actions really screw us.
If you have to trap a man, he isn't yours anyway.
Use fucking birth control!

Party Etiquette

2005-12-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

Though we want most of credit for the hilarity on this website to go solely to us, we just had to post this great piece on party etiquette by Roy Orrock posted on Inside Bay Area.

The Etiquette That Your Mother Never Taught You

WITH THE holiday party season upon us, you may be having guests over, and I thought you might be interested in some tips I came across in a little etiquette manual titled "The Usages of Society, With a Glance at Bad Habits."

Unfortunately, it was written in 1834, so it is not the most up-to-date work on the subject, but I've always felt you cannot put a time limit on good manners. Here are a few excerpts:

"Never introduce people to one another without a previous understanding that it will be agreeable to both."

Preferably in writing. If you do not have such an agreement, just let them wander around wondering who everybody is. Under no circumstances, however, should they be allowed to speak to one another.

"Before dinner, your guests should assemble in the upstairs drawing room."
If you do not have a drawing room, or even an upstairs, you had better get busy and construct one. You don't have much time before Christmas.
THE BOOK specifies a nicety to be observed by male guests when the group is called to dinner:

"Give the lady the wall coming downstairs."

You may have seen this courtesy extended to female race car driver Danica Patrick in the latest NASCAR race, where male drivers not only gave her the wall but tried to push her through it.

"If at dinner you are requested to help anyone to sauce, do not put it over the meat or vegetables, but to one side."

If I understand this one correctly, if the woman seated next to you says "May I have some gravy for my mashed potatoes?" you are supposed to say, "Certainly," then ladle the gravy onto her plate as far from the mashed potatoes as possible. This may not make much sense to you, but etiquette is often puzzling to the lowborn and ignorant.

"The application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its flavor."

For this reason, the fish should be eaten whole.

AND FINALLY...

"Finger bowls filled with warm water come on at the dessert. Wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then rinse your fingers. Do not practice the filthy habit of gargling your mouth at table."

This cannot be emphasized too strongly. You should never "gargle your mouth" — or any other part of your body for that matter — at table.

Other practices to be avoided when the finger bowls arrive include: 1. dipping your napkin in the warm water and using it to remove gravy spots from the hostess' blouse; 2. pouring the water over your head and briskly drying your hair with the napkin; 3. fashioning little boats with olives and toothpicks, floating them in your bowl, and making boat whistle sounds; 4. drinking it.

Practice these rules and you will soon be a model of refinement and elegance.

Proper Etiquette for Exit Interviews: A Dearth of Advice

2005-12-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

Exit Etiquette: Greater Baton Rouge Business Report

I found this article on the proper etiquette for exit interviews interesting, as I’ve always used the exit interview as a way to tell my former bosses to go and fuck themselves. Usually the best part of the job for me is the exit interview. I mean, someone actually sitting you down and asking, “So, how do you think we can improve the way we do things here?” These moments, however few and far between, are priceless and should not be carelessly passed by. It pains me to disagree with a contributing editor from the Greater Baton Rogue Business Review, but that is exactly what I am going to do.

You can say anything you want in an exit interview. You can complain about all your lazy and annoying co-workers, tell your bosses that they run the office as if they were Hitler (or Sponge Bob Square Pants – whichever is more appropriate) and perhaps most importantly, tell the people you’ve been working for so diligently all these years (or months, or days) that you know WAY better than they do how do to their jobs. Be whatever kind of raving muckraker you want. You know they’re just going to talk smack about you the minute the door hits you on the ass anyway.

To anyone out there who believes in quitting their job by leaving a post it note on their boss’s computer, I say, Let your voice be heard! The reward for sitting through the uncomfortable act of telling your boss some lie about “finding a better opportunity elsewhere” is the acclaimed exit interview. There, you’ll have the chance to get out all the petty, unimportant, gossipy bullshit you’ve been holding on to for however long you’ve had the job.

NEW YORK 1 STATES THE OBVIOUS!

2005-12-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

Taking a much needed break from blowing sunshine up the mayor's ass, New York 1 just published this important information about proper subway etiquette this holiday season. I'm sure now that New York 1 has brought the rules to everyone's attention, they will definitely be adhered to. After the holiday season is over, do we have to keep following the rules?

NYC Transit To Enforce New Subway Etiquette

Boobysox asks . . .

2005-12-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Mz. Manners,

I have been dating this guy for sometime now and he won't go down on me -- even though he asks for blowjobs all the time. What is the proper etiquette to correct this unsatisfactory behavior?

Dear Boobysox,

Thank you for your very pertinent question. The way to get a man to go down on you is by putting candy in your vagina. Find out what your special man’s favorite treat is and then stock up! Whether he enjoys chocolate, sweet tarts or licorice* this is a sure fire way to both get what you want and have a loving experience in the process. If you’re adverse to blow jobs, you can then tell him that as soon as he can put candy in his penis you will be happy to put his penis in your mouth. . . .

Mz Manners

*quite frankly, potato chips work as well.

Seeking advice

2005-12-01T21:31:00.000-05:00

Last night my evening ended with me, drunk at 3:00am, inviting two boys into my apartment. I was only interested in continuing to make out with one of them, but my question is, should I have made out with both of them out of politeness?

Sincerely,
Legs wide open

P.S. Do you think they'll call me?

Here we are!

2005-12-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

As experts in everything, we decided to start this blog to allow you greater access to our knowledge. We are placing ourselves at your disposal. We are also eager to learn your thoughts on the etiquette that has become your personal urban survival.

We are excited to begin our journey of showing you our grand knowledge.

Welcome!

Our first burning issue is ANAL SEX.

To get things started, we've decided to go right the core of the issue (and by core I mean asshole) how should ladies be responding to their boyfriends' constant pleas of

Tonight? Please?
Will you ever let me??
JUST THE TIP! JUST THE TIP!*

Any thoughts? Ladies? Gents?

Mz Manners