Mz Manners

You won't get this kind of advice from your mom and grandma.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Nate's Friends Suck!


Mz Manners:

I need your advice! I have an ex-girlfriend who never returns my phone calls. I tried calling her this weekend, but did she call me back? Hell no!

She does have a crazy friend who I think is a bad influence on her. Perhaps they are plotting to betray our friendship? So here's the question: Should I cut this person off for not returning my calls? Or maybe I could express my displeasure, like by taking a dump on her kitchen table? (I still have her keys!)


Thanks, Mz Manners, you are so much cooler than any of my so-called friends.

Best,
Nate Vagina


P.S. I have attached a picture of myself so you can see what I look like.



Dear Nate,

Thanks for the compliment! Though I’m not sure how much of a compliment it is considering your friends seem like losers.

I am so sorry to hear that your friend, I mean ex-girlfriend, didn’t call you back. Maybe she feels that, since you are no longer her boyfriend, she doesn't have to call you back immediately anymore . . . especially if you were the kind of boyfriend who pooped on her kitchen table (or anywhere else in her apartment). And as far as hanging out with her crazy friend, well I’m sure she is just making up for lost time. Valuable time that you took away from them. It is very possible that they are plotting the demise of your friendship, so I say you better get over there quick if you want to poop on her table before she gets home!

Good luck!

Love,
Mz Manners

4 Comments:

  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Bruno Kiedis said…

    helo!! how are you???
    i'm from brazil....i'd like to be you new friend..do you want?? would to be very good!!!! ;)

    bye!!!

     
  • At 1:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off
    By Charles Dubno
    the ONION May 18, 2005 | Issue 41•20
    I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne'er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.

    This needn't mean a gentleman must limit the discussion of his exploits to his journal. If a gentleman has met a young lady and taken her to his digs, it is his right and privilege to tell his friends and coworkers about the encounter. However, it is the mark of a true gentleman to omit his lady friend's name from the discussion of her pussy's tightness.

    Why, I had assumed that this custom and others like it were universal and well understood, but as long as I am spelling out the Rules of the Gentleman, allow me to introduce several other equally important but oft-neglected guidelines.

    Should a gentleman find himself alone with a lady, he should not simply undo his pants and come in her hole. A gentleman knows that it is good manners to coax his lady friend's heels as far above her head as they will go, to "split the reed," and perhaps to turn his lady over and give it to her "doggy style." A gentleman knows that a true lady enjoys a moderate amount of hair-pulling and ass-grabbing, taking these attentions as marks of affection and virility. However, a gentleman knows where to draw the line. He never lodges his lady friend's head between the couch cushions.

    A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, "Whoa, ladies, there's enough of me to go around!" The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests' heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.

    When up to his nuts in a lady's guts, a gentleman knows that it is quite impolite to smoke, talk politics, or take phone calls. Should his cell phone ring, the gentleman says, "Excuse me, I need to take this." He withdraws his penis from his lady friend and keeps his phone conversation brief. When he has completed his call, a gentleman gently reinserts his dick into his lady.

    Of course, a gentleman who is not a smoker keeps an ashtray on his balcony for his lady friends who wish to smoke.

    It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to "get his money's worth."

    A gentleman knows that accidents happen. While it is an unfortunate and boorish behavior that should be kept to a minimum, a gentleman always apologizes to a lady after he mistakenly shoots his load inside of her.

    A gentleman never comes in a lady's eyes.

    While he knows that a lady gets pleasure out of pleasuring him, and he will occasionally increase the intensity of that pleasure by gentle force, a gentleman will never choke a woman on his cock.

    If a gentleman wishes to attend to a lady's pleasure through oral manipulation, no matter what the state of affairs below, he always politely completes his task. A gentleman ought never to fan his hand in the air, grimace and make a show of removing a pubic hair from his teeth, or compare his lady friend's vulva to two strips of partially grilled fajita meat.

    A gentleman knows that it is considered good manners to have an unopened toothbrush on hand for his lady friend, in the event that she should like to freshen up after eating his ass.

    Breeding needn't amount to priggishness. On the contrary, a gentleman knows that good old-fashioned manners will likely increase his social engagements, once word gets out that he is not one to splooge and tell. But I beg the reader, for the sake of tradition and all that is decent, to remember that a true gentleman does not ever, under any circumstances, go ass to mouth.

     
  • At 11:29 PM, Anonymous Anti Money Laundering said…

    Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people's bad manners.

     
  • At 9:55 PM, Anonymous Business Strategy Consulting said…

    Well, I don't know what you have been through with your ex-girlfriend, but you have to be reminded that she's your ex now and she doesn't have any responsibility anymore unless she values what you have been before. And trying to mess her kitchen up would make things worse so you need to control your temper and think of a way where you can communicate with each other in a very nice way.

     

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