Mz Manners

You won't get this kind of advice from your mom and grandma.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Nate's Friends Suck!

Mz Manners:

I need your advice! I have an ex-girlfriend who never returns my phone calls. I tried calling her this weekend, but did she call me back? Hell no!

She does have a crazy friend who I think is a bad influence on her. Perhaps they are plotting to betray our friendship? So here's the question: Should I cut this person off for not returning my calls? Or maybe I could express my displeasure, like by taking a dump on her kitchen table? (I still have her keys!)

Thanks, Mz Manners, you are so much cooler than any of my so-called friends.

Nate Vagina

P.S. I have attached a picture of myself so you can see what I look like.

Dear Nate,

Thanks for the compliment! Though I’m not sure how much of a compliment it is considering your friends seem like losers.

I am so sorry to hear that your friend, I mean ex-girlfriend, didn’t call you back. Maybe she feels that, since you are no longer her boyfriend, she doesn't have to call you back immediately anymore . . . especially if you were the kind of boyfriend who pooped on her kitchen table (or anywhere else in her apartment). And as far as hanging out with her crazy friend, well I’m sure she is just making up for lost time. Valuable time that you took away from them. It is very possible that they are plotting the demise of your friendship, so I say you better get over there quick if you want to poop on her table before she gets home!

Good luck!

Mz Manners

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School

No. 8. Confusing Policies Stem from a Low Self Esteem

Take, for example, the United Arab Emirates taking over ports. The Bush Administration assurances that "the government has looked into the situation" is less than reassuring. As is his statement that he will veto any legislation that attempts to block this takeover.

Let's see how does this go? The 911 attacks were carried out by people based in the United Arab Emirates (not necessarily citizens of that county). So we attack Iraq. As an explanation, some language about retribution from the 911 attacks was flurrying around until the administration landed on the better excuse (false) nookular capabilities of Saddam.

Fast forward a few years....still warring in Iraq and now we are WHAT? Oh yes. The US Ports are going to be run by a company from the United Arab Emirates (which just bought the British company that was already running the ports).

And by the way, why did we give up our civil liberites in the name of homeland security, when foreign countries are running our ports?

But hey, don't worry. The Bush administration is looking out (and listening in) for the citizens of the US.

Monday, February 06, 2006

South Slope or Sunset Park?

I am outraged by rude and insensitive real estate agents and brokers re-naming neighborhoods in Brooklyn to lure folks into the borough. If potential Brooklyn dwellers don't like the name of their new neighborhood, they can move to Queens!

How does this happen? I didn’t vote to change the name of my neighborhood to Greenwood Heights, South Slope. I live in Sunset Park.

This is not only an etiquette question but a question of democracy!

Makes Me Want to Hollah!

Dear Makes Me Want to Hollah:

Don’t worry, I’m sure Queens is next. We're about to start seeing listings for places in East Long Island City any day now. But you are correct, the changing of names of neighborhoods in Brooklyn is a travesty. All I can say is, thank God this isn’t happening as much in Manhattan (where the cool people live).

I would suggested contacting the elected officials that represent your neighborhood to see if they did, in fact, vote for the name change. If they did, find out who voted "yay," write them a nasty letter and never vote for them again! You should also get some sort of rally going. Gather together your fellow neighbors who are as outraged as you are and start picketing your local politicians’ offices. Or real estate offices, whoever is responsible for this ridiculousness. That’ll show ‘em!

Make sure to keep us updated as to your progress!

Mz Manners