Mz Manners

You won't get this kind of advice from your mom and grandma.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School


No. 9: IT IS IN POOR TASTE TO BELIEVE THAT COLLEGE ROOMATES ARE COMPETENT LEADERS:

Who can tell? I mean that person that holds your hand as your puke your guts out after a four day pub crawl, and then tucks you into bed is someone you can trust, obviously.

But are they fit to run FEMA? That's really not proper.

Especially because their skills are in breeding - while good breeding is important - believing that similar skills are required for breeding Arabian horses and ensuring the citizenry isn't wiped out when the levee breaks demonstrates a considerable lack of judgment.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Hipsters


Dear Mz Manners,

My friend and his wife are stuck out in the far, far outreaches of a major metropolitan city. I worry that when they return, they won't be hip anymore.

What can I do?

Worried about Balding "Herry" in Chicago


Dear Worried,

I am sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, but your friends stopped being hip the day they decided to move to the far, far outreaches of a metropolitan area. It is very nice of you to worry about when they move back to the city, but chances are this will never happen. I know it is sad to watch as your friends become unhip (and apparently bald) but all you can do now is hope that you don’t one day suffer the same fate. Don’t let your friends drag you down with them!

Thanks for visiting the blog. Let us know if I can help you with anything else!

Your friend,

Mz Manners

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Attend Finishing School



No. 10: SPYING ON CITIZENS IS BOTH RUDE AND INAPPROPRIATE

(Not to mention against our civil liberties).



Proper etiquette dictates (as does policy) that the NSA is to spy on foreigners, not red-blooded Americans. Proper etiquette dictates that you should always obtain permission. Bush didn't ask the appropriate people before telling the NSA to spy (you know, like Congress or the judiciary), but he did speak to the executives of the New York Times to convince them not to publish the story they uncovered about a year ago.

Lucky for us the Times published their story or else we would miss yet another reason to be indignant and to heat our simmering distrust of the national leadership.

To be continued.....

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

THERAPY IS RIDICULOUS





Is she looking at my boobs??






I don’t know what’s worse, being an outpatient forced to go to therapy three times a week or being in a hospital bed with you’re hands tied down so you won’t hurt yourself. At least when you’re in the hospital the drugs are stronger and way more frequent. My new therapist won’t give me ANY drugs! I mean, what’s the point of a therapy session if you don’t walk out with a prescription in your hand. My new therapist (who I think is hitting on me – totally inappropriate and un-etiquette-like) wants me to simply talk. Talk??? I’m not giving her any information that she can use against me later. What is she crazy? I feel like I’m the one administering the therapy to her. That actually makes sense since I know everything about everyone, including myself. I don’t know what she’s trying to sell me, but I’m not buying!

Oh, yeah, anyone out there have any questions? I’m back and ready to help more people with my intense wisdom of all things in the universe. Email me!

Love,

Mz. Manners

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Mz Manners Returns from Forced Vacation



Thank you very much for your love and well wishes during my much needed week of relaxation and rejuvneation.

My doctor said I could go home now with my new medications and an intensive therapy schedule three times a week.

Glad to be back!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The New York Post Finally Prints the Truth!

The brilliant Editor who opined this has my undying gratitude.

January 5, 2006 -- Gov. Pataki yesterday delivered his 12th and final State of the State message to a jointly convened session of the state Legislature. Highlights follow:

"Blah, blah, blah . . . government that works . . . blah, blah, blah . . . empower the people . . . blah, blah, blah and blah, blah . . . unshakable resolve . . . blah, blah, blah . . . totality of our achievements . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Blah, blah, blah . . . dare to transcend . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Let's aim high . . . blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah . . . our work is never done . . . blah, blah, blah [and additional] blah.
"Blah, blah . . . excel in the emerging global economy . . . blah, blah, blah . . . most significant challenges . . . blah, blah [and more] blah.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah . . . take the next step . . . blah, blah, blah . . . let's help families . . . blah, blah, blah . . . and let's go even further . . . blah, blah, blah.
"But that is only the beginning . . . blah, blah, blah . . . emerging age of technological innovation . . . blah, blah, blah, and blah . . . let's make New York the place . . . blah, blah, blah [and even more] blah.

"The time to prepare for the future . . . blah, blah, blah . . . is now . . . blah, blah, blah . . . when New York leads, others follow . . . blah, blah, blah . . . a worthy and worthwhile challenge . . . blah, blah, blah . . . let's rise to . . . blah, blah, blah . . . fulfill our promise to the people of this great state . . . blah, blah, blah.
" . . . We dared to transcend the challenges before us . . . blah, blah, blah . . . Let's dare to dream of all our great state can be . . . blah, blah, blah . . . Let's fulfill New York's limitless promise . . . blah, blah, blah.
"Blah, blah, blah.
"Thank you."


Original editorial can be seen here.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Space Invaders

Mz Manners:

I fucking HATE people who read the New York Times over my shoulder in the crowded subway!

It is hard enough to fold that huge paper perfectly along the columns, and crease it just so, without some morning-coffee-cigarette-breathed-snot-slurper commenting and pointing at my paper. In instances like this, is it inappropriate to scream, “I don’t want to talk to you, dumbass, I’m trying to have some quiet time in my 2 inches of personal space I’m carving out! Here’s a fucking buck fifty, buy your own paper, bitch!” ?

I read your blog every day, and I am looking for a couple to date.

Love and Kisses,

Media Whore


Dear Media Whore,

First of all, take a breath. Do it with me now, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. All better now?

I imagine the reason you are so angry is because the bad vibes you are expelling out toward everyone are bouncing around the subway car and then landing right back from whence they came, thereby doubling your anger.

I suggest you take the Mz Manners motto to heart: What the world needs now is love sweet love. Say it over and over to yourself next time someone is looking over your shoulder trying to find out what atrocities the Bush administration has committed that day. I think it will help.

To answer your question, if you’re going to live in New York City, you are going to have to deal with people invading your space. Though it is in extremely poor taste to read over someone's shoulder on the subway, I would suggest taking a different approach. Next time you are faced with an over-the-shoulder-paper-reading-offender, move your reading material closer so that said offender can read it more easily. You can even offer him/her a section of the paper. You never know, you might meet that couple you’ve wanted to date right there on the subway. Try it! (And let me know if it works.)



Glad you love the blog. Hopefully some of the good vibes will rub off on you!

Your Friend,

Mz Manners

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Girlfriends: Three is Not Necessarily A Crowd

I recently went out with a bunch of friends and developed a crush on
this guy. I think he might actually be the one! I tried to flirt
with him to let him know of my interest, but it was really hard with
his girlfriend sitting next to him. (How rude of her to be dating my
future husband!) What is the proper etiquette to handle the
situation AND get the guy.

Thank you, Mz Manners, you are an inspiration to us all!

Almost Married



Dear Almost Married-
(And you are too...if you want a husband and a wife!)

There are several different angles on this situation.

SCENE 1: Flirting with a guy is no problem. Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend, also no problem IF you are willing to fuck both of them. I've read about couples who bring in a third to make their lives complete. From the practical - more people to share the cable bill - to the hedonistic - 2 heads are better than 1 - folks are finding the traditional life style of one man, one woman or even one woman and one women (or man) just too damn stifling.

Who can be jealous if everyone can play?

SCENE 2: Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend could get your ass shot, stabbed or at least beat up in the bath room. Damn! Whatcha thinking? A good man is hard to find and women may go to great lengths to protect their own.

SCENE 3: Flirting with a guy in front of his girlfriend could be your misunderstanding...she's his first cousin! That's why they are sitting so close, but they aren't attracted to each other. (yeah right).

SCENE 4: If the guy shows interest, slip him your number. If he gives you the "I'll call you" signal behind his girlfriend's back - scream to the girlfriend - YOUR MAN IS A DOG! A LYING ASS CHEATER! Then you can both beat his ass, and then go off on your own happy ways (separate or together).

I hope these scenarios helped. I recommend scene 1, but you just can't control love.

Love,
Mz Manners


Monday, January 02, 2006

A Happy Surprise

Dear Mz. Manners,

Recently, I was snooping through my boyfriend’s computer to find out what he’s got on there and received quite a surprise. He had a whole porn folder! And some of it was quite kinky. Not only did he have movies about two girls and a guy having sex, but also ones with two guys and girl! It totally freaked me out and now I am now worried that he’s gay. Do you think I should break up with him?

Best,
Snoopy


Dear Snoopy,

This is the problem people tend to face when they insist on violating their loved ones privacy. But that is a topic for another time. You should be THRILLED about the porn folder on your boyfriend’s computer. Now you know exactly what turns him on. It is great news that he is into doing it with two men. What a windfall for you! I say jump in as soon as possible.

This new found information will now make it easier for you to show him all the inappropriate dirty things you’d like him to do to you. Next Friday night tell your boyfriend that you'd like to have a quite night at home. Then take a gander at your local XXX video store. Pick out whatever gives you a tingle in your jingle and RUN to you date. Believe me, it will make your boyfriend fall in love with you all over again!

Happy Friday night!

Love,

Mz Manners


Sunday, January 01, 2006

Does Size Matter? (When You're Talking About A Clitoris?)


Dear Mz Manners:

I recently applied for disability insurance but was denied coverage. I have a very small clitoris and I am constantly being discriminated against, making it difficult for me to work. Don’t you think the government should compensate me for my disability?

Thanks for the advice.

Little and Belittled



P.S. Do you think if I put up signs in my neighborhood for a small clitoris support group that people would come?






Dear Little and Belittled,

The government should definitely compensate you for your disability. Clitoris Little Itsy Tiny Syndrome (C.L.I.T.S.) is a condition that affects both men and women in a very serious way. Not only does the man have to spend much more time down that trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but also more often than not, he fails at his quest. This leaves his loved one in a very sweaty and unhappy position (in more ways than one). Lesbians have an easier time dealing the C.L.I.T.S. for obvious reasons. I think you should contest your workers comp and do whatever it takes to get your just due! If that means an “in person meeting” to show just how effected you are by C.L.I.T.S. then so be it.

You should definitely poster your entire neighborhood with C.L.I.T.S. support group signs. You will be surprised and comforted by how many people show up to your meeting. And you will also be shining light on a syndrome that, until now, has not been taken very seriously for some reason.

In the meantime, I suggest buying a toy that might help relieve you of your pain. Check out this toy from
Toys in Babeland .


You and your partner will have two tools with which to find your little itsy tiny clitoris!


Good Luck!

Love,

Mz Manners