Mz Manners

You won't get this kind of advice from your mom and grandma.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Love On The Run . . .


Dear Mz Manners:

Yesterday a guy smashed into me on the subway, I dropped my bags, and my new pink dildo fell onto the platform.



Luckily it was in the package.) He couldn’t hear my well phrased, albeit shrieked, insults because he was wearing an iPod.
Are iPod wearers exempt from saying excuse me and pardon me just because they are in their own worlds? Don’t you think that iPods are decreasing the quality of life in New York City?

iPissed

Dear iPissed,

Boy do I feel your pain! All I can say is, you are very lucky that your new pink dildo was in the package. Believe me, it is no fun when you have to chase your sex toy down the subway platform because the fall turned the damn thing on.


(imagine this little number on the run)




The answer is, no, IPod wearers are not allowed to bump into people and then pretend that it never happened. Proper etiquette would have been for him to do the following, in this order:

1. remove his earphone
2. apologize
3. pick up your new pink dildo
4. realize what it is
5. ask you out to dinner
6. get you drunk
7. play with you new pink dildo (with you)
8. become your new boyfriend.
Obviously your IPod wearer was WAY off. Good luck next time!

Love,

Mz Manners

Office Gifts Suck!


This holiday season I bought a little gift for everyone in my office (10 people). I got some gifts too and I immediately thanked my co-workers for thinking of me. But no one thanked me for my gift. What does that mean? Should I ask them why?


Sincerely,
Holly Dazednconfused

Dear Holly,
Office gift giving is rather tricky. But I bet they just didn't like your gifts. I mean did you get them a paper clip holder or something? Next holiday season I recommend the following for your co-workers:
1. A flask for their favorite break time beverage
2. An inflatable chair for their naps
3. A bullet proof vest to protect them from the backstabbers
4. A riding crop (or paddle) to use on those who confuse staff meetings with nap time
5. A red rubber ball bondage gag for those who refuse to shut up during staff meetings

This year is over so just file your experience under lessons learned. Although, if you do have a paddle or riding crop available you can just use it on the thankless fucks who were so rude to you this year!

Happy New Year!

Love,
Mz Manners

Friday, December 30, 2005

Life on Mars is Just Fine


Dear Mz Manners,

I am a Venus chick, but after reading your post, I really want to change. I need your help!

Make me Mars

Dear Mars:

Congratulations. Saying you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Here are a few pointers that will get you on your way....

1. Undermine male authority and egos whenever possible. (especially at work - you're probably bumping your head against that glass ceiling anyway.)

2. While in mixed company make references to female body parts - but with the proper name, no cute pussy, or la-la references. For example, "Wow, my vagina is really sweaty!"

3. During a first date, refer to as many one night stands as possible. Then he'll know that you are ready for action. And you ARE. Fucking is your new number one priorty.

4. Once you get the guy back to your apartment, ask him for oral sex. Hours later after you came about 5 times - kick his ass out. Early the bed, early to rise!

5. Don't call him. EVER. Even if he calls you every day for a month.


A few months of this and you will be Oh So Mars. Keep me posted on your progress.


Love,
Mz Manners

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Ask Mz Manners

Mz Manners is ready for your questions.

Please email: Ask Me Anything!

Ask questions regarding YOUR dating life, or any other topic.
(no need to ask questions about Mz Manners' dating life, as it is being posting almost every day, just be patient.)

Mz Manners looks forward to receiving any all inquiries - go on - Test ME!

Love,
Mz Manners

Never Date A College Kid *

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

1. Quantity doesn't equal quality

2. Your Vagina still confuses him (it was okay when you were in college, because you were equally confused)

3. They tell their friends everything just like college girls!

4. You will never have to enter a student dorm, swaying drunk, to scrawl an approximation of your signature, and surrender your driver's license to a sneering guard, only to pass out in the dorm room and wake up too late to go to work.

* This does not apply if you are a college kid, or a high school student at least 17 years of age (in NY.)

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Bad Holiday Etiquette




These are never cute or funny.* In fact, if you own one of these, you have the worst holiday etiquette EVER! I don't know what Hallmark is thinking.



*They are quite effective, however, for waking up family members who are sleeping in on Christmas morning thereby holding up the present opening festivities.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Denver Broncos Clinch Division Title



For the first time since 1998!

Merry Christmas to the San Diego Chargers for losing to Kansas City.
Happy Holidays to the Oakland Raiders who are losing pretty bad to Denver at the top of the 4th quarter.
Feliz Navidad to the Denver Broncos - Take us all they way to the big bowl!

Woohoo!

This isn't a joke, but rather pure, rabid football fan time!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Never Date a Comedian

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners


1. They are not funny (unless they are working).
2. They are always working.
3. The above doesn't apply if you are a venus chick* -then you can date whoever you want. Comedians love you (as does everyone) .


*Def. VENUS CHICK, noun. A phrase coined from the bestselling book, Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. You know you are a venus chick, if you read the entire book and didn't recoil in horror, laugh hysterically, and then recoil in horror again.

Rant Time Because I Can't Control Myself:
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of sitting with the WafVMafM tome, take special note of this etiquette no-no.
Never Open the Car Door For a Man (you know, the reach over)
Men may find the behavior too TAKE CHARGE and CONTROLLING.
Fucked, right?
While some SUVs make the move difficult, and automatic locks render the effort obsolete, nothing the fuck is wrong with opening up the car door if you can reach.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Never Date a Writer

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners

They will stain your 600 count Egyptian cotton sheets with round explosions of blue and black ink.

They will sequester themselves away in your room for hours, while ignoring you, only to emerge hours later deftly deflecting your questions about the progress of the novel with, "AND NO! IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU!"


Although it TOTALLY is.....


P.S. Five years later, after he's been your ex for about five years, you'll be extremely pleased to find your name in the acknowledgment section. (This could also be a lesson in patience, and standing by your man, but who really wants that?)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Holiday Office Party Etiquette!



We all know that this is the time of year when articles start popping up all over the place about how to prevent disaster at your office holiday party. I’ve never found these lists to be at all helpful or accurate. Therefore, I now present you with the official Mz Manners top five guidelines on the proper behavior for office parties.

1. EAT AND DRINK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. This is probably the only time of year that your boss is offering you free food an alcohol so really go for it. Grab everything you can. If there are hors d’oeuvres being passed around, grab two or three from one tray just in case the wait staff suddenly disappears. Whenever someone asked if you want a drink, the answer is yes. You work hard all year and this is your time to relax and cut lose on your boss’ dime.

2. BRING A LOT OF FRIENDS. It is important that your friends also partake in the free food and alcohol. Also, you don’t want to waste a good buzz hanging out with people from work. The more friends you invite, the more office parties you will be invited to. It would be rude to go to someone else’s office party and not return the favor.

3. DRESS INAPPROPRIATELY. This is a party, not a business meeting. Ladies, wear something short, tight and revealing. You will be the center of attention. If your outfit doesn’t make your boss uncomfortable, then you did not pick the right outfit. Gents, wear whatever you want as long as it doesn’t include a tie and jacket. No one wants to hang out with the dork who wore a suite to a party.

4. BRING A KARAOKE MACHINE. Everyone sounds good when they’re singing karaoke. It is impossible to embarrass yourself while singing, so don’t be shy. If you find out there will not be a Karaoke machine available at the party (which is ridiculous) it is definitely worth renting one. You should start the holiday festivities by singing one of your favorites and then introduce your boss. At this point she will probably politely decline to participate, but don’t take no for an answer. You control the mike so tell everyone that she prepared something special for everyone. Get everyone clapping and chanting until your boss has no choice but to get up there and sing something. You will be the office hero!

5. GOSSIP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. The office party is the time to really find out what the people you work with think of each other. Find out who’s mad at who and why, then pass along the information to everyone at the party. If you can’t find any legitimate gossip, just make stuff up. The best possible outcome is to have at least two people screaming at each other by the end of the party. It will take the attention away from how drunk you are.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Do Latinos Give the Best Head?


Unlike the usual public opinion polls, we really want to know what you think.


I've heard the claims.*

I've also heard that Latinos are the most hardworking and dependable.**

My hypothesis? Latinos give the best head because they work so damn hard.

Es la verdad.

* Source: Latinos
** Ibid.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Tech Etiquette Run Amuck!

I found the below article on tech etiquette simply fascinating.

First of all, Peter Shankman should be thankful that he got to see some free la la during his flight rather than worrying about a phantom five year who may have been aboard the aircraft. Clearly his priorities are not in proper order.

Secondly, if someone has privacy concerns about their solitaire strategy being stolen by the individual sitting next to them then they should put down their time-wasting-gadget and open a book.

Thirdly, do you think Dianne Daniels and Diane Danielson are the same person??? If they are two separate people, they both annoying. One of them is obviously paranoid while the other doesn’t seem to know the difference between watching television and sitting down. Deep recliners? Is that supposed to be some veiled reference to what I did to the guy next to me on the last VERY LONG flight I was on? Come on now, those of us who don’t have little gadgets to flash lights and noise at us when we’re bored are forced to be creative (and sometimes slutty).

Finally, if your dumb enough to be paying your bills while cramped on an airplane, you deserve to have your identity stolen. Someone else can probably make more of your life than you obviously have.

Planes, trains and laptops: Learning tech etiquette
As the holiday travel season begins, here is how to make your trip more pleasant for you and those around you.

BY JULIO OJEDA-ZAPATA

Pioneer Press

Peter Shankman was on a U.S. flight recently when the person beside him pulled out a DVD movie to watch on his laptop computer.
That's hardly unusual nowadays, except that "it wasn't the most … um … family-friendly movie," says Shankman, head of New York-based travel-service company AirTroductions. "I didn't care so much, but I could only wonder if he'd do the same thing if he was sitting next to a five-year-old."

Shankman isn't the first traveler to run into a glaring breach of "tech etiquette" — when portable technology is used in a manner that is potentially bothersome or offensive.

"So many people are using notebooks outside of the office" lately, Strauss said, and privacy isn't their sole concern. "A lot of (them) are doing shopping and banking, so there's the potential for identity theft," as well.

Dianne Daniels could have used such a PC filter on a flight to Charlotte, N.C., as she went over notes for a business presentation. She noticed at one point that a man beside her was reading right off her laptop screen.

"How did I know this?" says Daniels, head of a Connecticut business-consulting firm. "I could see his lips moving. At one point, he screwed up his courage and asked me what I did for a living. I closed my notes and took out a novel."

On another day, Daniels spotted a man "taking copious notes while I was reading through my e-mails" in a Florida hotel's reception area. "When I closed my laptop, got up from my chair and walked in his direction, he quickly closed his notebook and walked away. It could have been a coincidence, but I don't think so."

Diane Danielson of Massachusetts says she will never "work on anything proprietary or private on an airplane — You never know who might be sitting next to you, and there is no possible way to expect privacy."

In fact, she says, a lack of privacy can work to her advantage.

"I've met many people who are interested in what I was working on and built business relationships based on their curiosity, either about my work or my technology," says Danielson, who runs a businesswoman-networking group based near Boston.

Danielson finds "electronic games, etc., on planes less invasive of your personal space than those individuals who put their seat backs as far back as they go! I picked a new laptop with a shorter screen for airplane rides, just to deal with the 'deep recliners.' "

To read full article click here

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Ladies! Don't Trap Men by Getting Pregnant

Another dating tip for women from Mz Manners





  1. Men will never trust us if we continue to prove ourselves untrustworthy.
  2. Don't be selfish! You have to think of all the women out there trying find a man! Your actions really screw us.
  3. If you have to trap a man, he isn't yours anyway.
  4. Use fucking birth control!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Party Etiquette

Though we want most of credit for the hilarity on this website to go solely to us, we just had to post this great piece on party etiquette by Roy Orrock posted on Inside Bay Area.

The Etiquette That Your Mother Never Taught You

WITH THE holiday party season upon us, you may be having guests over, and I thought you might be interested in some tips I came across in a little etiquette manual titled "The Usages of Society, With a Glance at Bad Habits."

Unfortunately, it was written in 1834, so it is not the most up-to-date work on the subject, but I've always felt you cannot put a time limit on good manners. Here are a few excerpts:

"Never introduce people to one another without a previous understanding that it will be agreeable to both."

Preferably in writing. If you do not have such an agreement, just let them wander around wondering who everybody is. Under no circumstances, however, should they be allowed to speak to one another.

"Before dinner, your guests should assemble in the upstairs drawing room."
If you do not have a drawing room, or even an upstairs, you had better get busy and construct one. You don't have much time before Christmas.
THE BOOK specifies a nicety to be observed by male guests when the group is called to dinner:

"Give the lady the wall coming downstairs."

You may have seen this courtesy extended to female race car driver Danica Patrick in the latest NASCAR race, where male drivers not only gave her the wall but tried to push her through it.

"If at dinner you are requested to help anyone to sauce, do not put it over the meat or vegetables, but to one side."

If I understand this one correctly, if the woman seated next to you says "May I have some gravy for my mashed potatoes?" you are supposed to say, "Certainly," then ladle the gravy onto her plate as far from the mashed potatoes as possible. This may not make much sense to you, but etiquette is often puzzling to the lowborn and ignorant.

"The application of a knife to fish is likely to destroy the delicacy of its flavor."

For this reason, the fish should be eaten whole.

AND FINALLY...

"Finger bowls filled with warm water come on at the dessert. Wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then rinse your fingers. Do not practice the filthy habit of gargling your mouth at table."

This cannot be emphasized too strongly. You should never "gargle your mouth" — or any other part of your body for that matter — at table.

Other practices to be avoided when the finger bowls arrive include: 1. dipping your napkin in the warm water and using it to remove gravy spots from the hostess' blouse; 2. pouring the water over your head and briskly drying your hair with the napkin; 3. fashioning little boats with olives and toothpicks, floating them in your bowl, and making boat whistle sounds; 4. drinking it.

Practice these rules and you will soon be a model of refinement and elegance.

Proper Etiquette for Exit Interviews: A Dearth of Advice

Exit Etiquette: Greater Baton Rouge Business Report

I found this article on the proper etiquette for exit interviews interesting, as I’ve always used the exit interview as a way to tell my former bosses to go and fuck themselves. Usually the best part of the job for me is the exit interview. I mean, someone actually sitting you down and asking, “So, how do you think we can improve the way we do things here?” These moments, however few and far between, are priceless and should not be carelessly passed by. It pains me to disagree with a contributing editor from the Greater Baton Rogue Business Review, but that is exactly what I am going to do.

You can say anything you want in an exit interview. You can complain about all your lazy and annoying co-workers, tell your bosses that they run the office as if they were Hitler (or Sponge Bob Square Pants – whichever is more appropriate) and perhaps most importantly, tell the people you’ve been working for so diligently all these years (or months, or days) that you know WAY better than they do how do to their jobs. Be whatever kind of raving muckraker you want. You know they’re just going to talk smack about you the minute the door hits you on the ass anyway.

To anyone out there who believes in quitting their job by leaving a post it note on their boss’s computer, I say, Let your voice be heard! The reward for sitting through the uncomfortable act of telling your boss some lie about “finding a better opportunity elsewhere” is the acclaimed exit interview. There, you’ll have the chance to get out all the petty, unimportant, gossipy bullshit you’ve been holding on to for however long you’ve had the job.

Friday, December 02, 2005

NEW YORK 1 STATES THE OBVIOUS!


Taking a much needed break from blowing sunshine up the mayor's ass, New York 1 just published this important information about proper subway etiquette this holiday season. I'm sure now that New York 1 has brought the rules to everyone's attention, they will definitely be adhered to. After the holiday season is over, do we have to keep following the rules?

NYC Transit To Enforce New Subway Etiquette

Boobysox asks . . .


Dear Mz. Manners,

I have been dating this guy for sometime now and he won't go down on me -- even though he asks for blowjobs all the time. What is the proper etiquette to correct this unsatisfactory behavior?


Dear Boobysox,

Thank you for your very pertinent question. The way to get a man to go down on you is by putting candy in your vagina. Find out what your special man’s favorite treat is and then stock up! Whether he enjoys chocolate, sweet tarts or licorice* this is a sure fire way to both get what you want and have a loving experience in the process. If you’re adverse to blow jobs, you can then tell him that as soon as he can put candy in his penis you will be happy to put his penis in your mouth. . . .

Mz Manners

*quite frankly, potato chips work as well.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

Seeking advice


Last night my evening ended with me, drunk at 3:00am, inviting two boys into my apartment. I was only interested in continuing to make out with one of them, but my question is, should I have made out with both of them out of politeness?

Sincerely,
Legs wide open

P.S. Do you think they'll call me?

Here we are!



As experts in everything, we decided to start this blog to allow you greater access to our knowledge. We are placing ourselves at your disposal. We are also eager to learn your thoughts on the etiquette that has become your personal urban survival.

We are excited to begin our journey of showing you our grand knowledge.

Welcome!



Our first burning issue is ANAL SEX.

To get things started, we've decided to go right the core of the issue (and by core I mean asshole) how should ladies be responding to their boyfriends' constant pleas of

  1. Tonight? Please?
  2. Will you ever let me??
  3. JUST THE TIP! JUST THE TIP!*
Any thoughts? Ladies? Gents?

Mz Manners